Grounding in Family Dynamics (Week 3)

I’m not sure how many of you scroll through Instagram reels, but over Thanksgiving, I came across a holiday favorite that resurfaces every year—and might even be up for Christmas now. The reel humorously suggests solving family conflict by inviting comedian Leslie Jones to dinner. Her role? Keeping the peace by calling out relatives who bring up politics, threatening anyone tempted to be offensive, and voicing the thoughts we all have but don’t say. It never fails to make me laugh when it pops up during the holiday season.

Of course, relying on Leslie to manage holiday tension is only a short-term fix—and I’m guessing she’s booked solid for the next decade!

For many of us, family is at the heart of the holidays. We gather to celebrate, share meals, and honor traditions while creating new memories. Holiday gatherings often stir up old emotional patterns, expectations, and family dynamics that can pull us out of the present moment. We may find ourselves slipping back into roles we’ve long outgrown. These roles aren’t failures—they once served a purpose when we lacked power, maturity, or the tools to simply be ourselves.

Common roles that tend to resurface include the pleaser, fixer, achiever, over-giver, prover of worth, the strong one, the quiet one, the funny one, and the peacemaker. Sometimes we take on these roles to fill the gap left by a loved one or to ensure everyone else has the “perfect” holiday. This often means overworking, overspending, or sacrificing our own feelings to soothe others, calm tempers, or maintain harmony. 

While these efforts usually come from good intentions, they carry an emotional cost because they’re not sustainable. They can strip away our autonomy and authenticity, leaving us pretending to be someone we’re not or trying to control situations beyond our control. Your body knows when it is being called on to assume a role that is not authentic to you.  Common signs include a tightness in your chest, holding a breath, shutting down emotionally, surges of adrenalin or strong desires to “step in”, starting to rehearse what you are going to say or how you are going to defend yourself, over functioning (exertion, exhaustion, emotionally drained) to make others happy or keep the peace. The feelings and signals you notice aren’t failures, they’re invitations from your body to pause and reconnect with the present. 

There’s real power in simply noticing when you’re being pulled into the past. With practice and attention, you can stay present and feel peace in making that choice.

Grounding isn’t about fixing things. It’s not about managing the situation, calming others, making everyone happy, or avoiding conflict. Grounding means staying centered and coherent within yourself. It lifts the burden of being the fixer, the overachiever, or the emotional glue holding everyone together.   Grounding allows you to “reset” and take control of the only thing you have control of – yourself.

Examples of staying grounded during family holiday moments:

• Grandma Shirley expresses disappointment about not seeing her grandkids often. Instead of rushing into promises or defending yourself, simply acknowledge her feelings without reacting.
• Aunt Laura and Uncle Charlie start arguing. Rather than absorbing the tension or trying to lighten the mood with jokes, remind yourself: “This isn’t mine to carry.”
• Your father begins complaining. Instead of jumping into “fixer” mode, take a breath and listen without taking on his frustration.

There will be moments of awkwardness and discomfort, but grounding gives you the space to choose what you’re willing to take on and to recognize what isn’t yours to manage.

Choosing yourself is not selfish. Your energy is precious, and every moment spent living inauthentically drains it. You have the right to say “no,” step away to breathe, decline certain conversations, and participate in holiday gatherings on your own terms. You have the right to be your authentic self—even when others expect the “old” you to show up. Presence in family dynamics is not about harmony – it is about honoring yourself in a familiar emotional landscape.

You can find a simple three-step practice for staying grounded and avoiding old patterns in the Resource section at www.itsabigskything.com. I’ll also share it on Facebook for easy access.Wishing you a week filled with calm and presence! Join me next week for the fourth and final post in this series on creating a peaceful holiday season through presence. Our theme will be “Meaning Over Perfection.”