Softening Expectations (Week 1)

The holiday season often carries a weight of expectations. It’s layered with cultural norms, family traditions, roles you may have outgrown, and personal standards you never consciously chose. Add to that the changes in routine, amplified grief, financial strain, social obligations, and the resurfacing of old family dynamics—and it’s no wonder exhaustion sets in. All of this makes it hard to stay present. Instead of simply enjoying the moment, we find ourselves planning, managing, predicting, bracing, or performing.

If you’re thinking about how you “should” feel, what traditions you “should” uphold, which events you “should” attend, or about the holiday magic you “should” create for others, it may be time to soften those expectations.

Softening expectations doesn’t mean withdrawing from the holiday or lowering your standards. It means letting go of what isn’t truly yours and doesn’t serve you. Doing so creates space to reconnect with what feels authentic and meaningful. Our internal capacity shifts with life stages, grief, financial changes, and work-life balance. Honoring that capacity allows us to shine where our heart leads.

One example from my own life is our family’s tradition of making Irish Christmas candy. As a child, I sat on my grandma Betty’s kitchen counter, watching her beat cream, sugar, and lemon with a wooden spoon until it became a moldable, stiff candy. She’d roll it into ovals, dip each piece in chocolate mixed with paraffin using toothpicks— “so the candy looks perfect,” she’d say—and sometimes crown them with a walnut. Those candies were her gift to the family, a centerpiece on Christmas morning. We waited all year for that taste of love.

After Grandma passed, my mom and Aunt Linda kept the tradition alive for years. My mom burned out more than one KitchenAid mixer trying to shortcut the wooden spoon method. The candies were close to Grandma’s, but no one had the patience for toothpicks. When Mom and Aunt Linda passed, my oldest son and sister-in-law assumed the challenge. It’s been at least three years since I’ve tasted those chocolates—not because they don’t care, but because they’re time-consuming and often more frustrating than rewarding. In full disclosure, my son also destroyed a mixer.

I’ve thought about surprising my family with Grandma’s candies. Part of me feels I should honor the past. But the truth is, I haven’t made them—and I won’t this year. When I picture hand-beating cream until it’s firm enough to dip in chocolate, I feel exhaustion, not joy. It feels like a chore, not something that fills me up. And honestly, I don’t even like the candy. So, I’m softening my expectations: by not making the Irish candy, I’m not letting anyone down, nor am I forgetting those who have passed. Besides, I make delicious fudge and the fudge is enough.

Here are some simple ways to ease pressure and soften expectations:

• Leave space instead of filling every moment.
• Choose “enough” rather than chasing perfection.
• Cancel or decline without guilt. “No, thank you” is a complete sentence.
• Don’t force cheer or gratitude. Feel what you truly feel and honor those feelings by not forcibly changing them.
• Set gentle boundaries without justification.

Softening isn’t about doing more—it’s about reorienting toward honesty. When you release expectations, you create room for authentic presence, that can include:

• bittersweet emotions without overwhelm
• warmth of a gathering without overextending
• feeling more like yourself and less like a holiday role
• connection that arises naturally
• the quiet beauty of a winter morning

Presence doesn’t bloom under pressure—it grows in space, breath, and honesty.

If softening holiday expectations is something you are interested in pursuing, you can find free guides to help support your efforts under the Resources section of It’s a Big Sky Thing@ www.itsabigskything.com.  Thanks for reading and wishing you a holiday filled with presence!